grievance to my youth

what if the act of choosing one thing means giving up every other thing forever?

(from my red journal & bedside thoughts)

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I like to believe that it’s a universal experience for girls to cry on their birthday or the night before. This is my 22nd year of shedding tears in the days leading up to my birthday, yet this time, it feels different. It feels odd and much heavier.

In my childhood, the tears were simple. I cried to convince everyone around me to buy me specific toys as presents. In my teenage years, the tears were merely from the chaos of hormonal transitions that everyone my age was also going through. But in my 22nd year, my tears tasted like protests against the inevitability of growing up. It felt like a grievance to my youth. 

I was crying so, so bad because it felt like I was forced to leave it behind. 

22 is the age where I graduate, find a job, take on responsibilities, meet a new set of people, and leave behind those I’ve spent nearly every day with for the past four years or more. It’s the age where I’m expected to abandon my hobbies to make room for “adult” priorities.

Well, let me put out this confession: I don’t feel prepared. I don’t feel ready to outgrow these things just because I’ve reached a certain age. I don’t have the heart to part ways with the people I’ve grown alongside or to let go of the routines and moments that have defined me. This is exactly where change became so terrifying to me that I would willingly kneel at an altar and beg for time to stop. My birthday tears have turned into prayers. I feel like I refuse to change. What if the act of choosing one thing means giving up every other thing forever?

After a couple of days of really sitting with these emotions, I finally made the decision not to change.

I refuse to change in a way I thought I had to. This is not the part of my life where I leave my youth behind. This is not where I outgrow people, places, and situations. This is not where I force myself to transform into a completely “normal” 22-year-old adult. Instead, this is where I evolve. I’m not leaving my youth behind because I will carry it with me into this beautiful transition. These are the things that shaped who I am, and I’ll take them with me as I move forward.

And even though I feel like my experiences haven’t been adequate for this moment, I know my age doesn’t define what I’m capable of. Turning 22 doesn’t give me all the answers; adulthood is something I can figure out as I go. And though 22 seems daunting, it’s also the age of exploring who I am outside the contexts I’ve grown comfortable with.

After all of this, I will eat my cake, and everything will feel just fine. Just how it always has been. Just how I have always managed to make it. 

after all of this, i will eat my cake (on youtube)